It is so funny how much easier it is to write a nonsense blog rather than write what I am feeling or struggling with.
I could just write how I am sitting here listening to Coldplay's new album, which is amazing by the way (Nate is crazy to say otherwise!). I could write how I am eating egg salad sandwich again for dinner,(pregnancy craving) how much I accomplished today or what the kids did. It is much easier to write those things.
On July 4th I was sitting outside in the smoky weather reading my Bible, writing in my journal trying to hear something from God. The 4th was such a lonely day for me, Zeke was gone so the house was so still and quiet, we had no family or friends to hang out with and I just felt this sadness.
It feels like forever that I have been going through the motions of dailyness.
6 months of being in a funk, being sad and down, feeling lazy and unmotivated. I know it has maybe a little bit to do with the fact that I got pregnant finally after 7 years, moved our whole family and started a new life in a matter of a month. Now there is no family down the street, there are no friends that know you so deeply and live life with you daily anymore. I have to start that all over again and it does not happen very quickly.
I don't want to whine or be a Debbie Downer, but it has been hard.
I hate that when I go into labor I can't call my mom and tell her to come over to watch the kids, or that my kids can't go down the street anymore to their cousins house to play. So many daily things that seem so little but are actually huge to me.
Or maybe they are magnified because I am 8 months pregnant and an emotional wreck 98% of the time!
Anyway I felt like on the 4th God said ask for people to pray, let people know your struggle. Be vulnerable, it's easy right!
So at church Nate gave us the opportunity to pray with the people around us, and Rebecca and Erica prayed for me and it was so comforting to not pretend, but to have others who understood and prayed for me. Thanks girls it meant a lot.
Anyway I am longing to climb out of this funk and i hope it can begin now.
I am so very thankful for where God has us, but that doesn't mean it has been easy or will be easy, we sacrificed a lot to come here and sometimes that sucks. But I do not want my family to be anywhere that God doesn't want us to be.
So that means we keep moving forward, living out what God has called us to.
I hope a year from now I can look back at this time and see all the amazing things that came from the hard times!
14 comments:
Alyssa, I love you so very much, whether you live down the street or 10 hours north. Consider this a long distance hug from your gal pal Karen. :)
I know how hard that can be. Marty and I have moved twice since we got married just three years ago, and each time was to a new place where we hardly knew anyone. It's rough to feel like you're starting over. You long for deep friendships, but have to realize that it takes a while to cultivate them. Know that you're in my prayers as you deal with all this, and a pending delivery on top of all that.
I was seriously in a horrible depression for like a year after we moved here to Redding....I, too, longed for those close relationships, and feeling sooo far from God. But looking back now, it was THE BEST time of growth for me. God grew me and taught me soo much about Him, and about myself...I seriously wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for that time. Power through it, my friend, I know God is growing you guys in ways you couldn't imagine. I look forward to continuing to make memories and grow our friendship. Love you. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to pray for you tonight.
Pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy... I seriously think I qualify as clinically depressed sometimes. What is with these hormones? Even if you could deal with the other life changes the dark cloud of hormones make it almost impossible to function normally. I guess we keep waiting and praying.
Thank you for being the woman of God that desires only to be in His will...I pray that, until you are looking back with hind-sight at this time and praising God for it, He will provide the joy and peace and comfort and friends to get you there. We love that you are here!
Hi Alyssa,
I saw your blog on Dana's page and have been reading it lately. I feel like I relate so much to your life! Trying to keep up with the kids and the house...never a dull moment :) Your Zeke sounds a lot like my 6 year old Jacob...full of questions and always busy doing something. We have had a couple of moves for different churches we've been a part of and it has been really tough. It always takes me at least a year to feel like I am settled. Hang in there...it will get easier.
Praying for you...I totally understand "the funk"...I won't depress you with how long mine lasted here in Lancaster, but it is gone! :-)
I also was a big egg salad fan when I was pregnant, but haven't eaten since. Pregnancy is a weird thing for body, soul and mind. The good thing is is that you are aware of it. It will pass. Although you are funky for a while after too....but it will be worth it.
I miss you so much and have always longed to be the friend down the street, but for now it will be the friend down the blog. :-) Won't eternity be awesome...we will be close to all of our favorite people forever!!!
I totally, completely, without a doubt, no question understand.
Hey Alyssa-It's your cousin Mandy. I just wanted to tell you that I think it's awesome that you and your husband have stepped out in faith and have gone to do the work that God is calling you to do. It would have been easy for you to stay where you were, where everything was comfortable and familiar. But doing Gods work isn't always about doing what's comfortable to us. Thank you for reminding us of that. You and your family have an amazing opportunity to reach people for Jesus and I can tell you have already impacted many people. It always takes awhile to adjust, it took me awhile to adjust when we moved and we only moved 5 miles!
Alyssa.....I loved this blog, I am so praying for you!!!
Oh man Alyssa...those feelings are so real and so hard. The other day I told someone...why the heck do I move so much? It kills my heart and I miss my friends so much. It is like this deep dark place that unless you move and know what the loss of people that know you well is just doesn't make sense.
I am coming back to Redding in Sept and look forward to going to coffee with you...my times at your house (though I should have come to riverside more when I lived in LA!) are sweet memories...I am so thankful for you!
It's amazing how looking in from the outside you would never even be able to tell someone is struggling. I am so glad you shared this with Erica and Rebecca and that you have shared it with everyone on your blog. God honors that kind of vulnerability and now we all know to pray. You are such a great woman and mother and you will come out of this even stronger!
Alyssa, I am praying for you. Please, please drop your kids off any time. When you have three kids what another two. Seriously! I love em.
I experienced (and am still working through) that exact same thing when we moved to NY. Dylan was only 5 months old when we moved, so the whole "pregnancy hormone thing" was still really affecting me too. It was encouraging for me to read about your struggles, and I hope you have been encouraged by all the responses you have gotten.
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